These Last Few Weeks

I don't know what the fuck is up. At the times where I should be happy, I feel as though my life is at a constant standstill. Its those little things that bother me. Trying to fucking make everyone happy all the time no matter who it is. Doing my best to try to stay afloat in time of grim. And no. I have a smile on my face. Cause its the only thing I can do. Its the only fucking thing I'm used to. I'm not allowed to be mad cause its something that people dont see me as. And why should I? No one wants to be around someone who is bitching all the time and has a stick up their ass. At some point its just that theres no use in trying to change who you are. Those negative aspects of my personality are there just as there are the positive ones. Its all just finding that happy medium between the two. That promise of harmony. The anticipation of an emotional twilight. For someone who doesn't care much about how people view himself I do care a lot about my own perceptions. And god damn does this sound pessimistic. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I always need approval for something. Not so much approval but praise. No, scratch that. Not praise acceptance. Content-ness. Being able to not have people question me. Not having those stupid little insecurities in talking to someone or being scared that you might start a landslide with the smallest grains of words. I wish for that. To be fucking happy. There are those things I should be thankful of and I know of them. School, job, family.....(sometimes), and friends. But its hard to be positive 100% of the time, so I'll try for 90%, as long as I just have that ten.

Kinda Sorta Zombie Dream

I was swimming in what looks like a large ocean with a divider to separate the deeper area. I then see a kid about 5 or 6 being pulled down and I have to go save him. As I pull the little kid up to the surface of the water I notice a rift going through the water and I go under to investigate. It was another little kid except he was zipping through the water and had sharp teeth like a shark. He starts to pull me under the water but I kick him as he leaves me in the deep end of the ocean. I swim away to the shore and everyone has zombie like qualities but they are not zombies. Everyone is headed to this boat in the ocean but not everyone is let on, only the zombie like people were allowed to go. These people were all normal looking but they were more agressive and had a mind unlike their own. A little girl and a dog that I am walking with are approached by a man and are said to come leave with him so that they will be safe. After much resistance the girl and dog go with the man. A try to tell them to come back to me and the dog starts to growl at me. And then I see my Aunt and Mom in purple jackets in the crowd. After I saw them I walk to the edge of the warf and investigate the boat. It is a small steam boat that looks like it only holds about 10 people. But it was weird cause 100's of people were being shuffled in.

And then I woke up.... late for Poli Sci

Until then, bitches be crazy!