I don't know what the fuck is up. At the times where I should be happy, I feel as though my life is at a constant standstill. Its those little things that bother me. Trying to fucking make everyone happy all the time no matter who it is. Doing my best to try to stay afloat in time of grim. And no. I have a smile on my face. Cause its the only thing I can do. Its the only fucking thing I'm used to. I'm not allowed to be mad cause its something that people dont see me as. And why should I? No one wants to be around someone who is bitching all the time and has a stick up their ass. At some point its just that theres no use in trying to change who you are. Those negative aspects of my personality are there just as there are the positive ones. Its all just finding that happy medium between the two. That promise of harmony. The anticipation of an emotional twilight. For someone who doesn't care much about how people view himself I do care a lot about my own perceptions. And god damn does this sound pessimistic. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I always need approval for something. Not so much approval but praise. No, scratch that. Not praise acceptance. Content-ness. Being able to not have people question me. Not having those stupid little insecurities in talking to someone or being scared that you might start a landslide with the smallest grains of words. I wish for that. To be fucking happy. There are those things I should be thankful of and I know of them. School, job, family.....(sometimes), and friends. But its hard to be positive 100% of the time, so I'll try for 90%, as long as I just have that ten.
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